he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
