Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
