8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
