Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
