My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
