I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
