Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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