____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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