yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
