I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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