Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
