I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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