One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
