So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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