When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
