i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
