God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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