I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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