I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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