fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
