I got chris browned last night
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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