Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
