I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize