my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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