I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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