one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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