My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
