You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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