I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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