I'm lost and stupid without you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
