Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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