eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize