I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Please don't give away my fajitas
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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