I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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