pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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