i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
