Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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