roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
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