Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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