My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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