you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
did i walk over a car last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
