Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i think i have herpe
just one?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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