Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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