Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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