I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
