too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
