Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
