I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize