wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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