I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
