i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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