I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
