You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
