my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
