Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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