Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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