Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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